Love Hurts…

That day started normal. Rather it was as normal as it got those days for me. Normal was getting through the day and returning home. Normal was changing its meaning every day. And that had also become normal.

So the day started normal. We had no appointments as such but there were couple of things that needed to be discussed and finalized. I prayed it would be uneventful at least today. All I wanted was for the arguments, shouting, crying, fights to stop. That seemed almost impossible these days. Strangely though my heart hoped each day that it would be different. But it never was. Or not yet.

She was waiting in the car outside the gate, as always. There would be some space on the little street beside my apartment and traffic was light mostly. As I approached the car my body tensed involuntarily and I let out a sigh. Forcing myself to appear happy, I opened the passenger side door and climbed in. Smiling tentatively I looked at her and greeted her. She looked haggard and tired. Barely looking in my direction she nodded and seemed to be collecting herself.

Slowly turning in my direction she asked me why I had not answered her calls last night. I calmly replied that I was busy talking with another friend and could not answer her calls. She looked at me and said ‘What if it was an emergency?’ I looked at her and said, ‘I know it wasn’t. And you know that too. You were just angry I was talking to my friend. Isn’t that the fact?’ There was an uneasy silence for sometime inside the car. Neither of us looked at the other. We just stared straight ahead. I could feel the tension building and felt desperately helpless.

‘So now I am no longer important to you, right? You have many friends in your life and I am just one person in your life. I think you are bored of me now. Why don’t you just admit it?’ Her trembling voice was filled with rage and pain and I flinched when she turned sharply in my direction. I had reached a breaking point and knew I had to break free of this cycle. But how could I hurt her? She did mean a lot to me and was a good friend too. I was unsure of whom to think of first – her or me? Suddenly it dawned on me that if I did not take care of myself then I couldn’t help her also!

‘Yes I admit it. You are right. I have my own life and other people in it. You are one among my many friends. I can’t be there for you all the time everyday. Please understand it in the right sense.’ My voice sounded shaky and shrill. I was not ready to look at her yet. I waited to hear her response but none came for a while. As I was contemplating whether to keep talking or wait, she exhaled loudly. Her voice cut through the silence and her words pierced into my heart. ‘So it is true. You are cheating on me. After all I did for you, this is what you give me in return!’

The moment was interrupted by the ringing of her mobile. She switched it off and flung it in my direction. It bounced off the dashboard. I did not react. All I wanted to do was get out. She had locked the door after I entered. My heart was beating fast and my head was pounding. I prayed her anger would fizzle out if I kept quiet. There was nothing for me to say anymore. We had variations of this same conversation almost everyday for the past few months. Her obsessive possessiveness was killing me in every way. And I was done trying.

‘Look at me’ she bellowed. As I turned I noticed the small bottle of pills in her hand. Before I could register what this meant, she opened it and popped all the little white pills into her mouth. Gulping down some water from her bottle, she threw it to the backseat. Then she looked at me with her piercing gaze and said viciously ‘Now you sit here and watch me die. This is your punishment for what you did to me. Remember this ALL your life!’

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